ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
