Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
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Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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