battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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