If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
