My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
