apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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