I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
