So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
