i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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