Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
