I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
