I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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