I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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