someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
