I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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