You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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