Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Is it because I queefed?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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