I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
