Your dad touched me again.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
