We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
