he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
