My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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