So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
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I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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