i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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