I'm jealous of your bromance
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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