oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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