I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
