Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
