I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
