I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The Olympian is in my bed
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
