My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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