Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
