He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He has the fingertips of a God
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