all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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