Say something about gay babies.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
