Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's blow job season.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
