i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
