My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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