Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
