i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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