I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
