cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
