I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
