Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
