I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
