my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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