Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
