I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
