just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
