I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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