I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
