thus making me awesome and them whores
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
