My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When did angry sex become our thing?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
