note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
