Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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