I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
