Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
