Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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