I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
