im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
