Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
