Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
