I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
