How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
