I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
